THE 4 GROOMSMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE (and the art of creative wrangling)
4 min read
Your Boys + Booze + Photographer + Your Fiancée's Grandparents = A Recipe For Disaster.
Let's face it, probably around 85% of all wedding mishaps originate from the Groomsmen. In order to avert the inevitable, we've put together a quick guide on how to identify and manage The 4 Groomsmen of the Apocalypse.
1) The Main Event
How to identify him:
Most likely, your fiancée has already had a talk with you about this guy. He’s the mad-man of the bunch. The extravert, the big-mouth, the goofball. Whatever you want to call him, his sole purpose in any gathering is to be the center of attention, from his flashy socks, to his snarky comments, to his disgustingly well rehearsed Macarena. It goes without say, this kind of behavior will not go down well with your bride on HER wedding day!
You’re not going to change this guy overnight, so the best approach is to divert his attention. After the rehearsal dinner tell him you’ve heard through the grapevine that one of the bridesmaids thinks he’s a hot chunk of sexual chocolate. That way, instead of spending the next day trying to impress everybody in the room, his focus will be narrowed to that one unfortunate lady. (Just don’t tell her that).
2) Sloppy Joe
How to identify him:
Easily recognizable in any group, this is the guy whose been wearing the same Guns’n’Roses t-shirt and baggy jeans for the past 20 years. If there were still video stores, he’d be working at one. He may never even have worn a suit before and his idea of dress shoes is his least old pair of Vans. Guaranteed to stain his untucked shirt before the first photo is taken, he’ll be turning heads for all the wrong reasons. So you’ll need to prepare for this one.
If your Sloppy Joe is of the particularly grungy variety a good solution ahead of time is to line up a man-grooming session, where you and your significant brothers go for hot towel shaves, beard-trims and maybe even hair-cuts. This immediately slices the odds of Joe showing up looking like Russell Brand on a coke bender.
On the wedding day itself take similar measures. Without singling him out, have your Groomsmen line up for inspection before you head out the door. Make sure laces are tied, shirts are tucked, ties are knotted (properly) and gum is in the trash. He may still carry himself like a limp chimpanzee, but he should remain at least semi-presentable for the next hour or so.
3) Ol’ Foggy Head
How to identify him:
We all have this one friend. He’s late for absolutely everything, he’s lost 15 iPhones in the last 4 years, and he’s got the organizational skills of a drunken toddler. Any one of these traits in action can wreak havoc on a wedding day, so it’s important to take action to avoid any possibility of him running up the aisle with one shoe on as you’re kissing the bride.
How to wrangle him:
This one is all about the preparation. Bring a spare everything. Socks, belt, shoes, tie clip, you name it, he will forget it, so you cannot over-prepare. And whatever you do, do not leave it up to him to be on time. It’s like expecting Kanye West to be humble. Today just ain’t gonna be the day. Find out his hotel room number, give it to your best man, and put him on babysitting duty. Bottom line, leave nothing to chance!
4) Jack’s Buddy (aka - the 9am drinker)
How to identify him:
Yeah, you know the one. When any social occasion of note presents itself, he’s hitting uncle Jack within 30 minutes of breakfast. This is all well and good 99.9% of the time, but when he’s rolling with you on your big day, you can’t risk having him feeling up your great-aunt Margie by cocktail hour.
Believe it or not, the best way to put out this fire is to fan the flames. Provided your rehearsal dinner is the night before, and your wedding isn’t taking place early morning, assign your Best Man to ensure ol’ groggy boots gets absolutely hammered the night before the wedding. Trust me, he won’t take much convincing.
He wakes up feeling like the cat slept in his mouth, auntie Margie is nowhere to be seen, and he’s not even going to consider hitting it hard until at least late-afternoon! Genius.
What's Swanky Badger?
Swanky Badger was founded (by me...right after my wedding) on the idea that your Groomsmen have earned an awesome, memorable, and truly personal gift. We’ve produced Groomsmen gifts for numerous celebrity weddings (like this one), have worked with brands such as Bacardi and HGTV, and have even produced Holiday Gifts for the entire defensive unit of an NFL team.
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